General provisions:
A – Whereas the saying “all is fair in love and war” is absolutely correct;
B – Whereas for war we have the Geneva Convention, approved on 22
August 1864, which provides for those wounded in the battlefield, but
until now no convention has been signed concerning those wounded in
love, who are far greater in number;
It is hereby decreed that:
Article 1 – All lovers, of any sex, are alerted that
love, besides being a blessing, is also something extremely dangerous,
unpredictable and capable of causing serious damage. Consequently,
anyone planning to love should be aware that they are exposing their
body and soul to various types of wounds, and that they shall not be
able to blame their partner at any moment, since the risk is the same
for both.
Article 2 – Once struck by a stray arrow fired from
Cupid’s bow, they should immediately ask the archer to shoot the same
arrow in the opposite direction, so as not to be afflicted by the wound
known as “unrequited love”. Should Cupid refuse to perform such a
gesture, the Convention now being promulgated demands that the wounded
partner remove the arrow from his/her heart and throw it in the garbage.
In order to guarantee this, those concerned should avoid telephone
calls, messages over the Internet, sending flowers that are always
returned, or each and every means of seduction, since these may yield
results in the short run but always end up wrong after a while. The
Convention decrees that the wounded person should immediately seek the
company of other people and try to control the obsessive thought: “this
person is worth fighting for”.
Article 3 – If the wound is caused by third parties,
in other words if the loved one has become interested in someone not in
the script previously drafted, vengeance is expressly forbidden. In
this case, it is allowed to use tears until the eyes dry up, to punch
walls or pillows, to insult the ex-partner in conversations with
friends, to allege his/her complete lack of taste, but without offending
their honor. The Convention determines that the rule contained in
Article 2 be applied: seek the company of other persons, preferably in
places different from those frequented by the other party.
Article 4 – In the case of light wounds, herein
classified as small treacheries, fulminating passions that are
short-lived, passing sexual disinterest, the medicine called Pardon
should be applied generously and quickly. Once this medicine has been
applied, one should never reconsider one’s decision, not even once, and
the theme must be completely forgotten and never used as an argument in a
fight or in a moment of hatred.
Article 5 – In all definitive wounds, also known as
“breaking up”, the only medicine capable of having an effect is called
Time. It is no use seeking consolation from fortune-tellers (who always
say that the lost lover will return), romantic books (which always have a
happy ending), soap-operas on the television or other such things. One
should suffer intensely, completely avoiding drugs, tranquilizers and
praying to saints. Alcohol is only tolerated if kept to a maximum of two
glasses of wine a day.
Final determination:
Those wounded in love, unlike those wounded in armed conflict, are
neither victims nor torturers. They chose something that is part of
life, and so they have to accept both the agony and the ecstasy of their
choice.
And those who have never been wounded in love will never be able to say: “I have lived”. Because they haven’t.
